Yesterday I celebrated another spin around the sun, my 41st birthday. Sometimes it is hard as hell to say or admit my age. I have the good fortune of not looking 40, whatever that means. I can’t tell you how many times I have been mistaken for my son’s older (old ass) sister or how many people look incredulously at me when I do tell them my age.
I am not so sure it’s that I look youthful so much as I present young. I work out, my skin is flawless enough to not need makeup and while my 18-year-old son would age me I have the benefit of toting a toddler almost everywhere I go which gives off the young and still fertile vibe.
Looks aside every year that passes it tends to be more about where I am at and how I feel. Aging makes you question your lot in life, your accomplishments, your purpose. I do my best not to compare myself to any of my friends or folks who I see online who look to have it all. While I try not to do the comparison thing every year I get older while I am so thankful I do get scared that I haven’t accomplished enough to that I am running out of time to leave my mark. Am I the only one who feels this way?
I celebrated my 41st birthday with a reasonable portion of good health (presently over my healthy weight), a sound mind, the ability of all of my faculties, a negative bank balance, dateless for the past three years, owner of no property, mother of two healthy, smart children who I had the pleasure to breastfeed for two years, friends that are like family, no living parents, not enough clients or income to sustain my very modest lifestyle, a few days late on my rent, no clue as to how my sons tuition will be paid this month yet, chockful of vision and ideas. That is 41 right now. While some things are beyond my control like my biggest client losing its funding and shuttering last month and my parents’ death, not going on any dates was my choice and too many sounds depressing. Some days I’m like shit I am failing at life, while others I am happy that I am a creator who has vision and purpose.
I can’t afford to weigh myself against others thoughts of where I should be or what I should have at this point in life because I am still working on figuring out who I am and what makes me happy. Sure I need to press harder to make some of my visions a reality if only to lift the undue stress that comes with not paying bills on time and to not die revirginized but I’m working on it one day at a time.
Today I am thankful for a mother who thought it not robbery to afford me life although she would leave me for someone else to care for.
Today I am thankful for parents who thought it not robbery to care for someone who did not share their DNA or bloodline.
Today I am thankful that I know what it feels like to have a check for 15k and even 20k with my name on it pressed into my hand to work on a project so I know its possible.Today I am thankful for the ideas that run through my mind, internet jacked from a friend to work on them and a landlord who has given me until the end of the week without giving me a hard time.
Today I am thankful for the ideas that run through my mind, internet jacked from a friend to work on them and a landlord who has given me until the end of the week without giving me a hard time.
41 in all of its lack is abundantly full of possibility. This is to mark the start of my personal new year, I can’t wait to share with you all what the year brings.