I first heard India Aries’ “Life I Know” sometime last year watching videos on youtube and ran to download it and sent the link to all of my girls, they all hit me back asking why am I trying to make them cry.
I don’t think a song has hit me as deeply as this in a really long time. While our stories are very different they are so much the same. I have the children but have always wondered what it would be like to have been pregnant and parenting with someone by my side. I wonder what it would be like to have someone witness this life with me.
We all have a secret pain
We all have a tender place
We were born to want more
And no I’m not meant to live alone
But this is the life I know
India goes in to depth about not being a mother or a wife and taking care of all the household duties because it is just her. She also speaks to the fullness of her life despite the things that its missing and that she is really alright because it is the life she knows.
I’m not a mother or a wife
And I’m living such a complicated life
And this is the life I knowMy life is full
In some of the most important ways
But empty in the core
At the end of everyday
I lock the door, turn out the lights
And I climb in bed
And it’s all alright
Cause this is the life I knowI cut the grass
Take out the trash
And fill the gas
In this house
I’m the mom, and the dad
What tomorrow brings
I do not know
Yes, I know it’s unconventional
But, It’s the life I know
Whoo those two stanzas nearly took my breath away. I have been blessed with the joy of having two children at two very different times in my life which has brought me immeasurable joy. I do however miss the relationship aspect. I parent by myself, I support my children on my own, pay their tuitions, all of our bills, supply the basic necessities and luxuries, dole out the discipline, the tickles, hugs and words of affirmation all myself. “Its the life I know,” but I would be a liar if I said it doesn’t hurt to do it alone.
All my friends
Are having families of their own
I’m still waiting for
The perfect one to come
Almost four decades in
If I’m blessed, then I’ve got five more to go
And this is the Life I knowSometime it hurts like hell
But I walk away with a song
And a story to tell
And this is the life I know
Yes, this is the life I knowAnd this is the Life I know”
When you scroll through Facebook and instagram you are bombarded by picts and videos of folks who are smiling in baby shower pictures or showing off engagement rings or cheesing for that first home bought together photo. I simply live vicariously through those moments wondering what if? Yet still maintaining the fullness and happiness that is my life right now. I was never the girl longing to be married, dreaming of the day the dress, I didn’t even know I wanted children until they came into my life. I honestly wanted to be a gypsy but now 20 years later so much has changed.
I like India pray that I have five more decades to go and that the large majority of that is filled with unquenchable joy and laughs that make me spit my drink out of my mouth. God knows my hearts desires and it doesn’t begin or end with getting married or buying the perfect house. I do however pray for family and connection and love, while I would be elated and drag dude to the courthouse on the very day he proposed if someone were so crazy I just want to be surrounded by love and have ‘enough.” Enough to eat well, pay my bills and taxes, travel, provide for my children, donate to those who need, keep my tech updated and have a few cute shoes.
The life I know is my truth. I am blessed. I am comfortable but yes I do want more. This is actually a repost from months ago that I wrote on a personal blog but the feelings haven’t changed much and after conversations with a few sisters most recently I know many of you can relate. What’s your truth?
